Arc 9, Part 59: "...Not"

—I love you.

△▼△▼△▼△

—Exhaling deeply, I draw the bowstring of resolve within the depths of my heart.

"————"

The kindness of the girls I had just spoken with—especially Petra—stung my chest. Even Meili, with her devilish lack of honesty, and the businesslike Flamm seemed to be genuinely concerned for me in their own way. Led by Beatrice, it was quite the collection of good little girls.

"I guess 'Spirit Knight' or 'Little Girl User' fits, huh? Though it’s an insult to both sides."

Regardless of when they started calling him that, Petra and the others won't stay children forever. Yet, as long as he travels with the eternally young Beatrice, that alias will likely never leave him. Of course, it would be a different story if he ever had a falling out with Beatrice—

"If only I could do that."

In all likelihood, this plan could have been realized with much lower difficulty. In truth, I’ve never encountered a Great Spirit of the Yin affinity who was friendly to humans, aside from Beatrice. I suspect she was designed that way, though I don't know the intentions of the 'Witch’s' kin—different from the 'Witch' I know. In any case, as a specialist in the Yin affinity, combined with her origins, there was a risk that Beatrice would unravel the essential factors of the plan. That is why timing is everything.

Even Beatrice, who is connected to her contractor's soul, must be drawn in by the forbidden art.

"————"

I can feel the bowstring tightening, let out a faint creak. Then, I enter the Library of Taygeta—a sight that overwhelms no matter how many times I see it, with shelves filled with a vast number of books—and I see it.

"Murak."

With the full support of a Great Spirit, the man obtained maximum effect with a short incantation. He leapt atop a tall bookshelf and quietly hid a single book there.

"————"

Even if I could tell it was a book from a distance, I couldn't see whose name was inscribed on it. The 'Books of the Dead' in this library all look identical except for the title; there is no difference even in thickness. Come to think of it, it’s strange. A child who fell to illness at age five and a centenarian who lived a life of great upheaval and died of old age shouldn't result in books of the same thickness.

There is no doubt that this library utilizes the nature of the Od Lagna, but it must have been the 'Witch' who made it output them in the form of books. If so, why did the 'Witch' go out of her way to create such an indistinguishable library?

"Because you don't want unnecessary noise interfering with the once-in-a-lifetime encounter when you pick one up, right?"

It sounded like something the 'Witch' would say. Saying it aloud myself made it feel like the correct answer, which left a foul taste in my mouth. In the first place, I had been trying to avoid remembering the 'Witch' as much as possible. Yet, ever since she died, I find myself remembering her as if in reaction to all that time.

『—No one can defeat the "you" that I created.』

For a moment, I thought: if this is a library containing books detailing the lives of the dead, then surely the 'Witch’s' book must be here somewhere as well. And—

『—Look there, 'tis my victory once again.』

The voice I cover my ears against, turn my eyes from, and reject with my very soul—the 'Book of the Dead' belonging to its owner must also be here.

"...What exactly was your 'victory,' Priscilla?"

In that unforgettable final exchange with her, there was a triumphant smile. I still don't understand the meaning of that declaration of victory delivered alongside that smile. Even if I did, it wouldn't change anything. She is already gone. You cannot exchange words or feelings with those who are no longer there. However, even if it is one-sided, the Pleiades Watchtower is a place that makes understanding possible.

"...Am I an idiot? No, I am an idiot. That was just an excuse, wasn't it?"

It was all for the sake of the plan. A cover story I prepared to make those men console my broken heart, all to establish the scheme with the 'Witch' that I had once abandoned. To have my heart truly swayed by it... I’m worse than a mummy hunter becoming a mummy himself. Above all—

"Don't save me."

If I were to read the book, if I were to be scorched once more by the radiance of that sunken sun, I might waver again, just like the day I stopped being a 'Following Star.' An ignorant star, unworthy of salvation, wavering once more. That’s why—

"—The stars were at fault."

I use those words to make myself give up, restarting my halted steps to move through the library. The single book hidden quietly atop the shelf—the book whose title I couldn't see—I knew whose name was on it without looking. If there was a 'Book of the Dead' that the man was hiding sneakily because he thought it would be inconvenient for me, there was only one possible title. And finding that book was also a necessary piece of the puzzle to execute this plan.

The two books I wanted to find—my own 'Book of the Dead' and that man's—have been found. Then all that remains is the moment of execution—

"Good grief. You're like a naughty kid making trouble in a library..."

Muttering this, I slowly approach the back of the man who is scratching his head. Unaware of my approach, the man moves away from the shelf where he just hid the book.

"It'd be bad if Ezzo-san, that mass of curiosity, found it... I mean, there's a chance a lot of people will be coming in and out from now on, so should I just dispose of them all? How many books in total—"

"—Dispose of what, Brother?"

"—!"

the moment I spoke to his back as he muttered, his shoulders jumped exaggeratedly. The man turned around slowly, his expression slightly stiff, making it obvious he had been doing something he felt guilty about. At the reaction of someone so poor at hiding things, I deliberately gave a large shrug.

"Whoa, you're way too jumpy. I was just making small talk."

"...Ah, sorry, sorry. It's pretty embarrassing to have your monologues overheard, you know?"

"I get the feeling, but don't go making me out to be the bad guy here."

"Bad guy...?"

I jerked my chin toward the person behind him, making him look back. Beatrice was approaching, her cute shoes making a pitter-patter sound. She wedged her small body between me and the man, puffing out her cheeks.

"Honestly, you, don't go startling Subaru so suddenly. When Betty isn't looking, is Subaru what they call a 'chicken-heart,' I wonder?"

"A chicken-heart... Brother? I don't think he’s that kind of guy."

"If that's an evaluation based on my thick skin or audacity, I'll take it, but what exactly have you seen of me to make you think that?"

"—That's true. Well, I might actually know more than you think, Brother."

As I placed a hand on the head of Beatrice, who was protecting him, I responded to the man's words with a safe answer after a moment's thought. If I told him I knew more information than what we were discussing here—about his subtle misunderstandings with his parents before coming to this world, or his inferiority complex—I wonder what he would think. Of course, I wouldn't do something so foolish. I’ve been tempted by such impulsive feelings many times, but each time, I’ve endured by fiddling with the metal fittings of my helmet. It’s my routine when thinking—a metallic sound to remind myself not to forget the plan.

"That's quite meaningful, I suppose. How dare you say you're more familiar with Subaru in front of Betty? You're underestimating the sweet relationship between a Spirit and her Contractor, I suppose."

"Sweet indeed. Good grief, I'm sorry for interrupting your hot honeymoon."

Beatrice, with her arms crossed, was quite displeased as I clicked the joints of my helmet. When I shrugged to avoid further upsetting her, the man awkwardly scratched his cheek with a finger.

"No, don't worry about it. Beako and I flirt whenever time allows, and right now, well, it's that. This library is the top priority, right?"

"Thanks for the consideration. No, seriously, let me thank you again. Even just three days, it must have been tough to carve out time for me. Beako-chan, sorry for dragging Brother along. Thanks for coming with me."

"Betty and Subaru are two in one, so it's only natural we're together, I suppose. —Also, Betty isn't merciful enough to give the same warning over and over, so you'd better fix your attitude yourself, I suppose."

"Roger, roger. —She’s a kind one, your girl."

"Yeah, she is."

The man gave a somewhat strained, bitter smile, and Beatrice softly took his hand. For some reason, the conversation wasn't flowing. If I said we resonated well, it would sound like we were compatible, which didn't make me happy, but we should have been able to play catch with the conversation at a better tempo. For it to be this jerky, he must really think I saw something inconvenient. —Or perhaps, he hid a book with a title different from what I expected. For example, one of the two books I just thought of.

"Al, uh, how are you feeling?"

"—. What’s with that question? You sound like a parent of a teenager who can't figure out the right distance. ...As you can see, I haven't made any progress. I thought three days would be enough, but honestly, I'm at a loss. With this many books, it's literally like looking for a needle in a desert, isn't it?"

"—! But, don't give up! Let's keep looking! I'll... I'll help too!"

"Whoa, Brother?"

Instead, I instinctively recoiled at the intensity of the man who leaned forward. He would help—the man pledged his unchanging sincerity to me over and over. I didn't think it was a lie, nor did I find it irritating. —Because, after all, I wasn't expecting anything. The one thing I wanted most, the thing I wanted him to do, he couldn't do for me. That’s why—

"Stop with the intensity; I can't tell which of us wanted to come here anymore. If I don't get all hot-blooded like you, Brother, it won't make sense."

"Then do it. Let's do it, desperately. We'll give these three days everything we've got. That..."

His voice trembled. —I heard the man's voice tremble, not mine. Perhaps he was over-empathizing, or perhaps a wave he thought had passed had surged back, bringing his emotions to the surface. He feels regret and frustration more than the average person. I understand that. That is the curse called an Authority, which only he and I possess in this world.

It’s just that there is a man who can save his loved ones with it, and me, who cannot. And if that man's love continues to be permitted, eventually, it will be born. —The existence that will end the world. To stop that, at the very least, I must fulfill my duty as a 'Following Star'—

"—Subaru."

Beatrice, holding the hand of the man who looked down with a trembling voice, quietly called his name. The emotion in her call was serene; despite her cute appearance, there was a mystical solemnity that proved she too was a Great Spirit who had lived for a long time.

"————"

At the Great Spirit's call, the man himself remained choked up and unable to speak. At that reaction, I decided while fiddling with the helmet's joints. —After one or two more exchanges of words, I would make my move.

Just as he said, the period for searching the library in this tower is three days. The more the schedule is consumed, the more his mind will start turning toward other things. Therefore, I move before that happens.

"—Three days, is that not enough?"

The man's squeezed-out words sounded like a plea for some reason—perhaps proof that I, too, was becoming nervous. —I find myself thinking for a moment. Three days. If I searched for the 'Book of the Dead' as he said, and if by chance I found it, and if I could learn every last feeling the woman who vanished left behind... what would happen?

I can say with certainty. —Nothing would change. This wound would not heal, and the pain would not vanish. In the first place, I don't want that. That is why, even though I know my answer will clearly diverge from his question, I answer like this.

"—The stars were at fault."

I don't even know myself whether I looked at those stars with a positive or negative eye. Pitting the two stars present here—Pleiades and Aldebaran—no, Subaru and Rigel—against each other, I don't even know who I blamed as being at fault or who I comforted as not being at fault.

"————"

I’ve become too sentimental. I’m just as bad at this conversation as he is. If we keep talking like this, I might get dragged along and say something suspicious myself. I’ve decided. I’ll do it on the next turn. When the silent man—the man who was given the name of a star and gives names to stars—finishes his next words, I will strike. —I will channel mana into my Gate, weave the formula, and open the door to the forbidden art. And then—

"—Al."

And then, I locked eyes with Natsuki Subaru, who looked like he was about to cry.

"—Ol Shamak."

It was an incantation, but not mine. —I understood. Aldebaran had lost, once again, in a battle he absolutely had to win.

『—Look there, 'tis my victory once again.』

I heard the voice and the triumphant smile of the beloved woman I can never get back. —In the next instant, Aldebaran's world went black.

△▼△▼△▼△

"—Natsuki-dono, it may not be much consolation, but your suspicions were correct. He was kneading mana and weaving a formula. Had you been a step slower, the positions would have been reversed. I side with you completely, believing your judgment was the best possible one."

The words of the Dwarf—Ezzo Cadner—who had witnessed everything, were exactly as he said; they did nothing to help console Subaru's heart. He couldn't help but wonder if there had been another way to settle it where no one had to be hurt.

"Boss, I don't get it. But, but! Even a guy like me who don't know nothin' can say this much! ...I'm just glad you're safe, Boss."

Like Ezzo, his junior—who had been given the role of observing the situation and must have felt just as frustrated—wrapped a sturdy arm around Subaru's shoulder and spoke those straightforward words. And he wasn't the only one staying close to Subaru.

"Subaru made a proper decision, I suppose. ...Even though Betty could have taken it all on in your place, you went and got hurt yourself. You're such a dummy, I suppose."

"Beatrice..."

"But that forbidden art was done by both Betty and Subaru, I suppose. Subaru prepared the formula, Betty composed the magic, Subaru chanted, and Betty provided the mana. So, this is half Betty's. It's cheating to shoulder too much of it yourself, I suppose."

"—!"

Subaru gritted his teeth hard. His right hand was clenching a black sphere so tightly his fingers wouldn't open—the only way his inadequacy could find to stop him.

—The Magic Bead, which imprisoned Al because there was no other way to stop him.

"—Sorry. There's somewhere... I have to go."

Feeling as though every organ inside his body was trembling, Subaru, who had been on his knees, stood up and slowly left the Library of Taygeta. Holding Beatrice's hand and accompanied by the worried Garfiel and Ezzo, Subaru forced his legs—which felt like they might collapse—to move down the hallway until he reached his destination. And then—

"Oh my? Onii-san, what's wrong? What about your search in the library?"

Finding Subaru appearing at the entrance, Meili, who was sitting on a barrel in the corner of the room, tilted her head along with the small Crimson Scorpion perched on her own. Her safe, cheeky appearance also struck a chord in his chest, but more than that—

"—Subaru, what's wrong? Did you forget something?"

Hearing Meili's voice, the girl who had been facing away turned around. She had been tidying up the pots used for dinner, and her round eyes blinked as they reflected Subaru.

"—Ah."

Seeing that girl before him, Subaru's mind and body instinctively froze. She looked a bit puzzled for a moment, then immediately straightened her knees, saying "Subaru?" She met the unsteady, wobbling Subaru head-on.

"Beatrice-chan, did something happen? Subaru looks..."

"Something did happen, I suppose. But Betty won't be the one to say it. ...It just seems he desperately wanted to see Petra right now, I suppose."

"Me?"

The girl—Petra—looked surprised at Beatrice's reply. Watching that rich change in expression up close, the stiffness in Subaru's cheeks slowly began to melt. Leaving Meili behind, who was letting out a meaningful "Hmm?", Subaru stared at Petra standing before him. After a moment's hesitation—

"Petra, this might sound weird, but... can I hug you?"

"—. You could have just hugged me without saying anything. Ah, wait, no, that's no good. Just thinking about it makes my heart beat so fast it might break—"

Before Petra could finish her mischievous, gentle answer, Subaru reached out his arms, pulled her close, and held her against his chest.

"Um, well..."

Petra couldn't hide her confusion at the sudden embrace. For a girl who had become so brave and unflappable, it was a rare and clear display of agitation. However, there was no one in this room who would tease her for it. Because—

"Hey, Subaru, are you okay?"

Softly, a hand reached out from his chest and touched Subaru's cheek. At the girl's question from such a close distance—where they weren't just sharing breath, but their heartbeats were practically colliding—Subaru caught his breath and forced a smile.

"I'm... obviously..."

Okay. Of course he was. After all, Petra was right here, safe and sound. It wasn't just Petra. Beatrice, Garfiel, Meili, Ezzo, and Flamm were all fine. Everyone in the tower, and everyone who couldn't come to the tower, was safe.

The bad things that had happened—all of them had been undone. Of course, he didn't know everything that had happened, and he knew that not everything that happened was bad.

There was conflict and reconciliation, betrayal and friendship, parting and reunion, curses and oaths, hatred and love—there was Aldebaran and Natsuki Subaru.

"—I might not... be okay."

As he hugged Petra, looking at the Magic Bead that wouldn't leave his hand, the words leaked out. And once that single weakness spilled from his lips, it couldn't end with just a strained voice. Bit by bit, his true feelings turned into tears and flowed from the corners of his eyes.

"—...Not."

He wanted to stand tall and tell them he was okay—to reward Petra and the others who had let Subaru 'Return by Death,' letting him take back so much that was irrecoverable, and who had accepted the worlds left behind in exchange. He couldn't do it. He was so sad, so frustrated, so ashamed of his own lack of strength that he couldn't hold his head high.

"I'm not... okay...!"

To Petra, who had sacrificed so much; to Rem, who was supposed to have regained everything; to Emilia, who never gave up on talking to Al until the very end; to Beatrice, who decoded the forbidden art while sealed away and gave the 'Returning' Subaru a trump card; to everyone he knew and didn't know who participated in that battle.

And finally, to Al, whom he couldn't even create an opportunity to talk to at the end—

"I'm sorr—" "——Subaru!"

A sudden, high, sharp voice cut off the apology he was about to utter. It was Petra's voice, looking up at Subaru from within the embrace where he had swallowed his words. Her round eyes wavered with immense emotion, and while keeping her hands on Subaru's face where tears were falling, she said:

"You finally said it. That you're not okay."

"—Ah."

"You don't have to be so scared. You don't have to carry everything alone. Right, Beatrice-chan?"

"...Of course, I suppose. Betty is Subaru's partner, I suppose."

Prompted by Petra, Beatrice clung tightly to Subaru. As Subaru stood bewildered by the warmth of the two girls, Petra continued to smile.

"Meili-chan."

"Eh? I'm fine, you know. Petra-chan and the others are enough..."

"Meili-chan."

"...Fine, I get it."

Meili hopped down from the barrel with a sulky face, her whole body radiating reluctance as she stood by Subaru and pinched the hem of his clothes. As if acting for its master, the small Crimson Scorpion jumped from her hair onto Subaru's shoulder and rubbed its body against his cheek.

"Garf-san."

"Oh! Boss!"

"Guh!?"

The momentum of him jumping in as if he’d been waiting for the signal hit Subaru's back, making him groan. He desperately braced himself to avoid falling forward and crushing Petra. He endured. He endured, but—

"Ezzo-san and Flamm-chan, you want to come too?"

"I am an outsider; I shall decline. However, I am on Natsuki-dono's side."

"I only just arrived, so I don't quite grasp the situation... but I understand."

The presence that appeared afterward leaned gently against his right hip without hesitation. With this, a 360-degree, inescapable hugging formation was complete—surrounded by this warmth, Subaru let out a breath.

"What is this?"

From an outsider's perspective—and since Ezzo was indeed watching—what kind of silly sight must they be right now? All huddled together like this, they looked like idiots.

"It's fine! Subaru was the one who told me I was being an idiot, after all."

"Did I ever say that?"

"You did."

"...Out of everyone I know, there's probably no one smarter than Petra."

He truly thought so. It must be true. That’s why everything was so transparent to this clever girl. It was amazing. This is what it really meant to be smart. So different from a "clever idiot" like Abel.

"I've decided."

His face was still a mess from crying, and he was being smothered from all sides by these kind people, having just admitted he wasn't okay at all, but he had decided.

"Al, it seems you hated me so much you couldn't forgive me."

He didn't know the real reason for that. But he wouldn't let it end without knowing. Because so many things that almost ended were kept from ending by so many wills that refused to let them end, the "not okay at all" Natsuki Subaru made a vow. That was—

"—I will definitely save you too."

Even if it was an atrocity that turned the world into his enemy, this was the vow of Natsuki Subaru, who had used 'Return by Death' to undo everything, both good and bad. Hearing that vow of Natsuki Subaru, Petra Leyte nodded with satisfaction.

"That's my Subaru."

—And so, the girl who did not become the 'Witch of Melancholy' smiled.